Could someone get my bags please?

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Some nights, when I am wide awake thinking about how tired I am, yet afraid to sleep because I might dream, I try to imagine what it would feel like to *not* carry my baggage around. This horrible, tired old baggage. I wonder why letting go of emotional baggage can't be like letting go of material stuff. I have no problem tossing junk I don't want. I don't enjoy clutter. Cleaning out a junk drawer always feels so good. Going through stuff, old batteries, pieces of string, twisty ties. All of it seemed like a good idea to save at some point. But you go through it, examine it and realize it can't really serve you. So, you let it go. Just trash it. Gone. It is so liberating.

But when it comes to my hurts, my pain. I cling to it like letting go is somehow asking for more. Keeping a tight grip on it is me saying, "No, thanks. I'm all good. None for me." Or maybe I hang on because letting go means I have to forgive first. That's tough. I have had people try to explain this concept to me before. And they reassure me that forgiving doesn't mean that I am saying "it's ok--that thing you did that hurt me...it's fine." But I have a hard time with that. Conceptually, I am all for the forgiving thing. Sign me up. But, I think that I've never been able to really do it. I say the words, and I want to believe...but the truth is, it's *not* okay, and it's *not* fine. There are some wounds that never heal. Some that forever change the path of your life. So, I honestly don't know how to let go.

It could be that the forgiveness route is a bunch of bull. That the reality is that *some* crap is just going to haunt me so I better just get used to it. I keep searching for the magic cure, or the perfect prayer or the right words of forgiveness so that I can move on, but maybe it's all just a fantasy I concocted that helps me believe that I can be fixed.

Comments

caparoon said…
I have an idea. Next time you can't sleep, maybe you could come clean my house! : ]

Forgiveness. I don't know if that's the key or not. You've heard that "forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me"..? I have no clue if that's even coherent.

Here are some thoughts about forgiveness, though. For what they're worth.

Maybe the key to forgiveness is in my not allowing your action to define you or me. In not giving it power that it doesn't have. Maybe putting sin in its place, and extending grace--both to myself and others--is a matter of perspective.

I know that, for myself, finding peace with certain things has been an issue of accepting them for what they are--without allowing them to tell me who I am.

Who are you? And what are you letting tell you that? Why?

And what kind of rapping name is "Steve", anyway?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbbxA8a_M_s
July 25, 2007 at 7:11 AM
Debby said…
I think the "truth" that people have tried to help me understand in the past is that I should not be reluctant to forgive because it doesn't mean I am saying what happened was okay with me.

The whole thing about not allowing an action define you or me. That's interesting, but not sure I am buying it, because my experiences do define me. And it does have power. Lots of it.

Who am I? Good question. Even if I were sure I knew that answer, I am pretty certain I wouldn't tell you. It would scare you.
July 25, 2007 at 9:08 AM
Anonymous said…
Well written article.
November 11, 2008 at 8:34 PM
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