Behind the mask.

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I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of being authentic. It seems like a worthwhile goal. Afterall, what's the point of interacting with people if it isn't genuine. I'm not talking about full-disclosure. I don't feel the need to share every profound morsel that pops in my head. And it certainly isn't my intention to go about my goal without regard to others' feelings. This is the fuzzy part. Can you be "sorta" authentic? Or is being authentic more about being genuine? And being genuine is about your intention as much as it is about your immediate thoughts. For example, my intention is that I have a loving relationship with my best friend. My immediate thought may be, "gosh...she's really annoying me" What is the authentic action at that point? I'm only asking. I don't know the answer.

I do know that somewhere along the path of my life I quit being authentic. I was pretending more than I was being genuine. I was acting the way I thought that people wanted me to act. It's exhausting! There are lots of people to please and if "you" never get to be one of them...that sucks.

Turns out that becoming authentic at this point makes me both terrified and thrilled at the same time. Sure, it feels wonderful to be myself. To have a genuine interaction with someone and not have to walk away feeling like a fraud. But, what if the authentic me isn't good enough? What if people prefer the "other"? Why wouldn't they? I crafted that person just for them!

I have a feeling I know what a friend of mine would say. He would say that I am good enough. That God loves me. But I'm thinking... I've been running around feeling unhappy with the Real me for many years now. Putting on a mask because I'm not pleased about what's under it. And, yet, God made what's under the mask. I'm pretty sure He's pissed.

Comments

caparoon said…
Two posts in and your blog is already way better than mine. You have a really good voice, and this is engaging material.

About "What is the authentic action at that point?", one way to figure that out is to really define the terms and then whittle it down to "the facts," but I kinda like to leave it ambiguous. I like that when I have occasion to tell someone they're annoying me, I have to stop and think first. Amazing how often giving yourself license allows you to not put yourself first. Paradoxical, but pleasant.

And you're probably right about your friend. But he might also say that God has better things to do with His time than being pissed at you. ; ]
July 6, 2007 at 6:51 PM
Debby said…
I'm so honored that you think it's engaging. Gosh. Writing down what's in my head and nobody has left screaming that I know of.

Oh, and my friend...he's a clever guy.
July 11, 2007 at 3:33 PM
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